Bitchzilla

Sitting in front of my laptop...Yes, I should write something, I have the motivation, but my brain is running on empty.

In front of me on my desk, my wooden canvas stares at me with its unfinished painting and next to me in my beading suitcase is numerous orders on jewelry to be made. Oh, and the guitar my dad bought me, after I begged for one on a night after too much wine. So I got one. And now I cant find time to practice and play.

I have ten million series still to watch, but I don't mind saving it for a rainy day. I mean, I always wish it wouldn't end at all, half way through viewing it. I have absolutely nothing to write about, not even a blog on my day.

So. Um. 

How are you today?

Are you battling with a spotless mind as well?

I have been reading through all my pointless pieces of blogging from over the years, but i don't really want to post them on here, since I want a fresh start. However, I came across a piece I wrote one night when I was furious, hurt, angry and fucking pissed off, so i thought I would post some of it on here.

However, I will be changing some of the stuff and cutting parts out (and adding in 1 or 2 popular things of today), I don't want to make it obvious to the person I wrote it for, as we are on good terms now, but I think if she knew my feelings back then, she would just hate me again, but the piece was pretty entertaining for my brother to read, so maybe you will enjoy it too.

Let me know what you think, ok!?

Bitchzilla

I am weak. I see that now. I hate conflict and I am always the one apologizing, even though I am not always wrong (And no, I don't believe that I am always right).However, when I am wrong, I do feel terrible and I do take responsibility for my actions.

People have hurt me many times before and to be honest, I am starting to morph into a closet hermit. I tend to forgive and forget as soon as my song of the moment blasts on MTV. I can’t help it. I have a really big heart and I accept the fact that people make mistakes and everyone is only human.

In other words, I really don’t think I am a person you can hate easily. I really make an effort and I really love people. Right?

But overall, I admit, I can be a bit of a people pleaser to people who don't really deserve it and I sometimes get the impression I might come across as a doormat.

But I have this problem. A bitch of a problem, to be exact.

There is one person in this world who despises me more than I despise sci-fi movies (Avatar does not count, since it is more fantasy based) and baked beans. And the sad thing is, this used to be a close friend. A friend I introduced to the love of her life, a friend whom I gave advise to when she wanted to pop her cherry, a friend who used to sit with me when my heart ached and I needed someone. I can’t believe this person whom I once enjoyed so much could turn into such a monster…fucking Bitchzilla.

This certain person recently blabbed a rumor about met to people I really care about . She even blabbed secrets that was told to her in confidence, risking my relationship with my boyfriend, who is actually the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and who already knows everything about me, including that I am an undercover spy who saves the world from...

Anyway, back to the story, I remember the day my boyfriend phoned me, it sounded like his pet fish died…

Or his dog.

He couldn’t believe that the horrible thing he heard about me could be true.

Of course he phoned me to confirm it, even though he knew deep down I would never lie to him about anything like that.(I occasionally lie about the fact that there is garlic in the pasta since he hates it, but if he doesn't know, he loves it without complaint)

I told him that this utter lie was horse shit and we were fine. I mean I would do exactly the same if I heard something like that about him! Even though I trust he would never hurt me.

Now my problem is, I have this little short Greek temper, that comes from my ancestors. I tend to act before I think and I will blow a gasket the way your mother did when she gave birth to you and when she caught you smoking pot for the first time. I will confront you and shout at you and I will make you feel smaller than Tinkerbell without her wings…and then I will apologize for hurting your feelings 5 minutes later. I will forgive you. I will give you a chance to explain yourself and I will trust that you won’t hurt me again. I will give you a second chance…Don’t fuck it up! And trust me, It takes a lot to make me angry...Except for bad drivers, they trigger my road rage and ask anyone who has driven with me, I admit that I am a really rude person in the car if you drive shit...I get road rage almost every day.

So when I confronted this person (if I can call this cold blooded creature a person) about how dishonest she was and how sad it is that she would even find the time to try and turn my life upside down in front of people I actually care about, she bluntly denied that she ever spoke such shit about me. Which I knew, deep down was a lie, but I let it go, thinking she would watch her steps and actually grow up and learn from her mistake, I mean I am 23 years old and so is she, how come she cant grow up the same way I did? Thanks Mom for bringing me up the way you did and teaching me things a lady should know…

So, anyway the bitch gets a second chance…

Big Mistake.

So, Little Miss Gossip Girl turns to Little Miss Goody-2-shoes, while I am looking, but the sneaky bitch carries on talking shit about me to everyone as soon as I take a smoke break, thinking I wouldn’t find out.

I keep my cool and I keep quiet. I haven’t done anything wrong, I haven’t told anyone any of her secrets that I swore to keep, even though she told mine and lied about it by blowing it waaaaaaaay out of proportion, just because I am actually mature and have respect for any asshole in this world.  See, I aint that bad :)

Meanwhile, I try to help the people I am surrounded by and who is caught in the middle, by helping them organizing their lives, rearranging things, booking appointments wadda, wadda. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the bitch is plotting her next attack on trying to destroy my life. Shame.

So, now she has a problem with me being the star child and she's not. I mean, she did study acting for 500 years and she still hasn’t made it, so I can understand the feeling, but we are complete opposites, we don’t look anything alike….To be honest I don’t understand this vendetta she has, if she hates me so much for actually having a carreer that she wants, then I should hate my best friend, who is a supermodel, for jet setting across the world with her modeling carreer. And I don’t, We have the same brown hair, the same bambi eyes, she just looks more like a super model than me, but the point is, I have never been happier to see a friend make a success of her life as I am for my hot supermodel friend. And I am not even a tad jealous of her…ok, I would love to do the jobs she has, I admit, but I am not going to make her life difficult and hurt her in ways that is unforgivable. So cut the crap, dammit and start using your brain and skills, and I am where I am because I am using it and I am working hard to be here and trust me, I am battling to keep my head above water!

I want to say that I have forgiven her, but i haven't forgotten. My mother always told me, if you don't forget, you haven't forgiven. But the thing is, I want to, I just honestly don't know how.

June 2009